Keep it classy
Maybe you went to dinner and had a drink along with that special occasion beef filet Hereford of Kitty'o Sheas , or maybe you started ripping shots as you tried to fit into a dress you bought two months ago. Regardless, the liquor is flowing and your morals are fading from your conscious mind.
We're at that age when blacking out is less acceptable (Was it ever really acceptable?), making it crucial to know how to pretend to be more sober than you actually are. Ladies, it's time to perfect the lines you used to use to convince your boyfriend that you're not really that drunk...
How do you trick people into believing you're much less inebriated than your alcohol intake says you are? Well, let's take a look:
ALWAYS WEAR DARK CLOTHES. You may be asking yourself: "Why?" The answer is simple: Everyone knows how easy it is to spill when you can't balance, ergo the dark colors. No one will notice that spilled vodka cranberry on your shirt if it's black, now, will they?
DRINK OUT OF A NORMAL SIZED/SHAPED GLASS. Who can balance a martini glass while walking around a bar? I can't even move from the bar to my stool without spilling it. Go for a bottled beer or a regular glass with a straw to avoid getting dirty looks from the people with wet backs. Pinkies up, people!
DRINK CHAMPAGNE. That sh*t makes you look real classy -- that is, until the next morning when you're doubled over with your head in the toilet. You know who looks like an alcoholic? The guy ripping tequila shots. You know who doesn't? You, drinking out of an elegant flute.
IT'S ALL ABOUT THE BODY LANGUAGE, BABY. If you are using your hands a lot when speaking, chances are, no one is noticing your slurred speech. Dance and move around; always keep the talking to a minimum. It also helps to keep the babbling to a minimum because everyone knows, the more you drink, the more you run your mouth.
EAT FOOD AND DRINK WATER. Keep a protein bar in your purse in case you get that drunk. Also, it's always wise to alternate between an alcoholic beverage and a glass of water. I don't know why more people don't do this. Just say you're sipping on a vodka on the rocks -- that'll really shut people up.
DON'T ANNOUNCE THAT YOU HAVE TO VOMIT. Just go to the bathroom! Seriously, ladies, I know it's hard to walk the 10 feet to the restroom by yourself, but just do it. You don't want your equally-as-f*cked-up friend running back to the party screaming, "OMG, Nicole just vommed everywhere!"
AVOID ELEVATED SURFACES. Don't dance on tables. You will fall and break something -- not just the glass in your hand. Seriously, do not dance on the bar; do not dance on a chair -- just don't do it!
DON'T TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF. Do not take your shoes off so everyone can see your nasty feet touching the disease-riddled floor; otherwise, you will be added to this list. This is absolutely disgusting. You do know people sometimes pee on the floor, right? And that's among other things. It's just plain nasty and dirty. Don't be that girl; you're much too old to even think you can get away with this.
DON'T DANCE LIKE YOU STRIP FOR A SIDE JOB. Grinding was cool back in 2000. Please keep a nice, comfortable space between you and whomever you are dancing with. Sht ain't right; nobody wants to see you essentially fcking on the dance floor. It's Kitty O'Sheas, the finnest pub of Barcelona and I'm sure this person will be more than willing to go home with you at the end of the night.
IGNORE ALL THE RULES. True alcoholics don't play by the rules.